Geometry Professor Refuses To Enter Non-Euclidean Building

A professor of Euclidean geometry has refused to enter the university's newly constructed mathematics building, citing its curved walls and non-right angles as a personal and professional affront to the parallel postulate.

Dr. Euclid Straightedge, 58, who has taught Euclidean geometry for twenty-seven years, stood outside the $40 million building on its opening day and declared it "an architectural endorsement of hyperbolic space that I cannot in good conscience support."

The building, designed by a prize-winning architect, features sweeping curved corridors, a lobby with no parallel walls, and a staircase that the architect describes as "inspired by the Mobius strip" and that Straightedge describes as "a war crime against right angles."

"I need parallel lines," Straightedge explained from his temporary office in the old building, which the university plans to demolish. "I need surfaces that are flat. I need to walk down a corridor and know that the walls will never meet, not because of some arbitrary axiom, but because Euclid said so and Euclid was right."

Straightedge's colleagues in the department, many of whom work in non-Euclidean geometry, differential geometry, and topology, have moved into the new building without complaint. Several have praised the curved spaces as "inspiring."

"Inspiring what?" Straightedge asked. "Nausea? Spatial disorientation? The abandonment of the fifth postulate? Gauss didn't die for this." When reminded that Gauss actually contributed to the development of non-Euclidean geometry, Straightedge paused for several seconds before responding, "Gauss contained multitudes."

The university has offered Straightedge the only rectangular office in the new building, located in the basement near the boiler room. It has four right angles and two parallel wall pairs.

"I'll take it," Straightedge said. "The angles are correct and that is what matters."