Nematologist Cannot Stop Seeing Worms in Everyday Objects

Dr. Wendy Cuticle, a nematologist of 23 years' standing, has sought professional support after developing an inability to observe any elongated object without mentally classifying it according to nematode morphological characteristics.

'It started with pasta,' Dr. Cuticle explained. 'I was at a restaurant and I looked at the linguine and I thought, that's approximately 1.2 millimeters in diameter with a smooth cuticle and no visible annulation. Fusilli, by contrast, presents a helical morphology reminiscent of Criconematidae. I couldn't eat either.'

The condition has since expanded beyond food. Dr. Cuticle reports seeing nematode-like characteristics in electrical cables ('clearly a large free-living form, possibly Mermithida'), garden hoses ('dorylaimid, based on the stoma structure'), and, most recently, her own handwriting.

'My signature has become increasingly sinuous over the years,' she admitted, producing a series of signed documents dating from 2001 to the present. 'By 2015 it was unmistakably vermiform. By 2020 it had developed what I can only describe as a pharyngeal bulb.'

Her therapist, Dr. Patricia Framework, described the condition as 'an occupational pattern-matching bias that is unusual but not unprecedented in specialists who spend extended periods at the microscope.'

Dr. Cuticle's colleagues have been supportive but unhelpful. 'I showed her a picture of my new puppy and she said it had good body wall musculature for a rhabditid,' said laboratory assistant Tom Agar. 'I didn't know how to respond to that.'

Dr. Cuticle has taken a two-week holiday, during which she plans to look exclusively at angular objects. 'Cubes,' she said firmly. 'Triangles. Nothing cylindrical.'