Compliance Officer Develops Allergic Reaction to Non-Compliance

Senior Compliance Officer Marjorie Statute has been placed on medical leave after developing what her physician describes as a 'genuine physiological response to regulatory non-compliance,' which manifests as hives, shortness of breath, and involuntary tutting whenever she encounters an improperly completed form.

The condition first appeared in January when Statute reviewed a Form 19-G that had been signed in blue ink rather than the mandated black. She broke out in a rash that lasted three days.

'I thought it was the new soap in the restroom,' Statute told reporters from her home, where she is surrounded by neatly organized binders. 'But then it happened again when I found a purchase order with the date written in European format. Month-day-year. It's day-month-year on federal forms. My arms were covered in welts.'

Statute's physician, Dr. Angela Referral, confirmed that the reactions are not psychosomatic. 'Her cortisol levels spike measurably when exposed to paperwork irregularities. We showed her a form with a missing middle initial and her blood pressure went up fourteen points. This is a real medical phenomenon, though I confess it is the first case I have encountered and likely the last.'

The department has attempted to accommodate Statute by pre-screening all documents for errors before they reach her desk, a process that has added approximately four days to the review cycle and required the hiring of two temporary clerks.

'It's not enough,' Statute said. 'I can sense non-compliance. Last week I walked past the filing room and felt a tingling in my left elbow. I went in and found seventeen misfiled documents. Seventeen. No wonder I was tingling.'

Statute's workers' compensation claim has been filed and is currently pending review. She has been told the claim form contains an error in Section 4 and must be resubmitted. She has requested that someone else handle it.