The Bureaucrat's Bulletin

Red tape, clear laughs.

Telework Policy Requires Employees to Be in the Office to Apply for Telework

The application must be submitted on a physical form available only from the HR office, notarized by the building's notary, and hand-delivered to a supervisor who works remotely.

Suggestion Box Requires 12-Page Formal Proposal to Submit a Suggestion

The protocol includes a cost-benefit analysis template, a risk assessment, and a mandatory section titled 'Why Existing Processes Are Not Already Addressing This.'

Department Issues Formal Apology for Informal Apology That Violated Apology Protocol

The original apology, delivered verbally and without the required Apology Impact Assessment, has itself become the subject of a compliance investigation.

Latest

From Cynthia Triplicate

Government Shutdown Passes Unnoticed, Raising Uncomfortable Questions

The three-week shutdown in November went entirely undetected by the public and most employees, raising uncomfortable questions about the necessity of several departments.

Retiring Director's Exit Interview Scheduled for Three Years After Retirement Date

The interview, mandated by HR Protocol 19-C, was delayed by a backlog of 4,200 unprocessed exit interviews dating back to 2016.

Telework Policy Requires Employees to Be in the Office to Apply for Telework

The application must be submitted on a physical form available only from the HR office, notarized by the building's notary, and hand-delivered to a supervisor who works remotely.

Department's Suggestion Box Requires Formal Proposal to Submit a Suggestion

The 12-page Suggestion Submission Protocol includes a cost-benefit analysis template, a risk assessment, and a mandatory section titled 'Why Existing Processes Are Not Already Addressing This.'

Office Thermostat Dispute Escalated to Secretary of the Interior

The conflict between employees who prefer 68 degrees and those who prefer 74 degrees has consumed 1,400 person-hours, involved three mediators, and produced a 90-page report.

Whistleblower Hotline Rings to Voicemail That Has Been Full Since 2019

The hotline, touted as the department's 'commitment to transparency and accountability,' has been unable to accept new messages for six years, a fact reported by a whistleblower who could not reach the hotline.

Emergency Preparedness Plan Found to Be Unprepared for Actual Emergency

The 400-page plan, updated annually for 15 years, was discovered during a power outage to be stored exclusively on the server that had lost power.

Department Issues Formal Apology for Informal Apology That Violated Apology Protocol

The original apology, delivered verbally and without the required Apology Impact Assessment, has itself become the subject of a compliance investigation.

Performance Review System Crashes Under Weight of Own Rubric

The new 147-criteria evaluation matrix was so complex that the software designed to process it exceeded the department's server capacity and had to be reviewed by a performance review.

New Parking Permit System Requires Employees to Justify Owning a Car

Applicants must submit a 500-word essay explaining their 'transportation philosophy' and provide three references from other vehicle owners.

Mandatory Fun Committee Achieves Record Low Morale Scores

The committee, formed in January to boost employee satisfaction, has driven morale to levels not seen since the Great Paper Clip Rationing of 2017.

Government Shutdown Narrowly Averted After Discovery That No One Noticed the Last One

The three-week shutdown in November went entirely undetected by the public and most employees, raising uncomfortable questions about the necessity of several departments.

Interdepartmental Turf War Erupts Over Jurisdiction of Hallway Between Two Departments

Both departments claim custodial authority over the 40-foot corridor, which has gone uncleaned for seven months while the dispute is adjudicated.

Government Agency Achieves New Milestone: Zero Percent of Emails Read

An internal audit found that the Department of Communications Oversight has not opened a single incoming email since migrating to a new email system in 2021, owing to a filter that routes all messages to a folder no one knows about.

Compliance Officer Develops Allergic Reaction to Non-Compliance

The condition, which doctors have tentatively classified as 'regulatory hypersensitivity,' causes the sufferer to break out in hives whenever a form is submitted with a missing signature.

Fire Drill Postponed Pending Completion of Fire Drill Approval Form

The mandatory safety exercise cannot proceed until the Safety Compliance Office signs off on the form that the Safety Compliance Office itself created and then lost.

From Prudence Inkwell

Employee Handbook Updated; No One Can Find the Previous 14 Versions

The new Version 15 references policies from versions 4, 7, and 11, none of which exist in any known archive, digital or physical.

Budget Line Item for 'Miscellaneous' Now Accounts for 73 Percent of Department Spending

Auditors have requested a breakdown of the category, prompting the department to create a new sub-category called 'Miscellaneous Miscellaneous.'

Paperless Office Initiative Generates 3,000-Page Implementation Manual

The manual, printed and distributed to all 600 employees in triplicate, has consumed more paper than the department used in the entirety of last fiscal year.

New Employee Discovers Entire Department Exists to Approve Work of Another Department That No Longer Exists

The Department of Secondary Review has been reviewing outputs from the Department of Primary Analysis since 1994, apparently unaware that Primary Analysis was dissolved in 2003.

Email Sent to All-Staff Distribution List Triggers 2,400 Reply-All Responses in Under an Hour

The original email, asking who left a mug in the third-floor kitchen, has been classified as a Level 3 Communications Incident.

Department Celebrates 50th Anniversary of Policy That Was Supposed to Be Temporary

The 'interim measure,' originally implemented for six months in 1975, now has its own commemorative letterhead and a dedicated compliance team of twelve.

Retiring Clerk Discovers She Has Been Approving the Same Document in an Infinite Loop Since 2016

The document, a routine facilities request, has been approved 847 times without ever reaching its destination, due to a routing error no one noticed for nine years.

Office Supply Requisition Form Now Longer Than the Iliad

The 94-page document, required for all supply requests over $15, includes a mandatory section on the 'philosophical justification for the requested item.'

New Approval Workflow Requires 17 Signatures for Permission to Use the Restroom

The policy, intended to 'streamline facility usage tracking,' has resulted in a 94 percent increase in unauthorized break-taking and one formal grievance from someone's bladder.

Meeting Scheduled to Discuss Scheduling of Meeting About Meeting Room Availability

The meta-meeting, which itself required a meeting room, occupied the only available slot for the meeting it was meant to schedule.

Official Stamp Collection Now Requires Its Own Stamp of Approval

The Department of Verification has ruled that the departmental stamp inventory must be stamped, verified, and counter-stamped before any stamps may be used to stamp other things.

Employee Achieves New Record: 340 Consecutive Days Without Making a Decision

The mid-level administrator has elevated the art of deferral to what colleagues describe as 'a kind of genius,' routing every question to someone else's desk.

Interdepartmental Memo Takes 14 Months to Travel 30 Feet Between Adjacent Offices

The document, a routine request for additional printer toner, passed through eleven departments, acquired four amendments, and was briefly classified.

Committee Formed to Investigate Why Previous Committee Accomplished Nothing

The new Committee on Committee Effectiveness has been given a two-year mandate and a budget identical to the committee it is investigating.

Form 27-B Stroke 6 Redesigned With New Font, Entire Department Paralyzed for Three Weeks

The switch from Arial 10pt to Calibri 11pt has been described by senior clerks as 'the most destabilizing event since the Great Stapler Shortage of 2019.'